I became a mother- September 2018

After 41.5 weeks of anxious, excitement and waiting, and after 19 hours of intense contractions, 9 of which I felt through every fibre of my being, my helpless little boy took his first breath and was delivered onto his first resting place, my chest.

Feeling intensely overwhelmed and beaming with love, I held him ravenously and tightly cuddling him to my chest. Covered in meconium, amniotic fluids and who knows what else, I held him so tightly and rocked him gently. Loving every morsel of his being and promising to never let him go. It has been the most transformative 8 weeks of my life. As I have held my little boy and watched his incredible fight and determination I have been intensely aware of my own mortality and that of everybody around me. All we have is right now and yet so many of us waste the greatest gift we are ever given- ourselves, and the bountiful love around us.

My baby is at the start of his journey and sometimes I worry that his future is in my hands. I have loved every minute of being his mum and learning his needs.

They say that babies live within an intense emotional world as they are so helpless and lack the psychological reasoning to be able to understand the world around them. This means that they feel all the range of emotion like the rest of us but feel it with an intensity that we can only ever imagine.

No it has not been easy but I am honoured to be his mother. I have had many roles- Nurse, Lawyer, partner, friend and daughter, but no role could have adequately prepared me for feeling qualified to be my little boys mum. The great challenge of motherhood is that there is no real ‘training’. They teach you breastfeeding, bathing and they may show you once how to put on a nappy but the rest is an intuitive dance with your baby, where you try to figure each other out. I feel like I should be wearing ‘L’ plates and should undergo supervision by a guy in a yellow vest with a clip board to be entrusted with this little life that we created out of our love.

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( mm / dd )


#mother #lover #baby #learning #life #birth

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